Men, please feel free to share your thoughts as well.
The idea of a woman proposing marriage to a man is often frowned on by most women and many feel uncomfortable about making the first move – it’s the man who is supposed to propose and profess his love, sort of thing.’ This is especially true for those brought up in western societies which basically dictates that a woman should be pursued and chosen by a man rather than the contrary. So many women are still waiting and hoping that the brothers make the first move and propose marriage for fear of seeming too aggressive or desperate. Some women feel as though if the man proposes it’s a sign of their worth, and the more proposals, the more their worth. On the other hand, some men argue that they want to be chased and that if a woman were to propose it would somehow kill their ego and make them feel less of a man…
Muslim women are not excluded, even though in Islam it is honourable and permitted for a Muslim woman to propose to a Muslim man muslimahs still find it taboo. After all, some Muslim communities share the view that Muslim women should be shy and some go as far as to consider women subordinate to men, and, therefore, women are expected to be passive and reserved in the way they think and act. However, such views and expectations are cultural rather than Islamic and arguably sexist. We should remind ourselves that it was Khadijah (RTA), the first wife of Prophet Muhammad (Peace be Upon Him), who first proposed marriage to the Prophet (PBUH) via a trusted friend. And mind you, she was very capable of providing for herself since she was a successful business woman. But despite this, Muslim communities make it out to be taboo and shameful for a woman or her family to approach the brother or his family to propose marriage.
I think it’s empowering and I personally have no problems with making the first move, but that’s just me. I think a woman should be able to say exactly what she wants and expects from a man and if marriage is what she expects and wants, why not ask for it? If there is a brother out there that has most or all the qualities you desire in a spouse, then what’s wrong with letting your feelings and intentions known? You don’t have to ask directly if you are uncomfortable asking – ask someone you trust to ask on your behalf or to express the interest of marriage on your behalf. Forget this notion of it’s the man who has to propose ladies! Make a move! Whilst you’re waiting for him to pop the question or to approach you, another woman might come along who is prepared to step to the brother and next thing you know she’s wearing the ring and you’re heart broken. It’s that simple. If the man feels less of a man for that, then forget him.
* Here is an interesting fact
Legend has it that in the year 1288, in Scotland, it was made legal for women to propose to men in a Leap Year only and if the man declined he must provide her with a silk dress or a pair of gloves.
I think it really depends on the context. Before proposing, the girl must be fully aware of the consequences (for example, in some Saudi region “hijazi sub-cultures” (where i come from), not even the parents can suggest their daughter to anyone unless they are approached with the idea first , let alone letting the girl offer herself. then they pretend to think about it even if they already are dying to say yes. Suggesting your own daughter is (or was) a taboo that devalues their precious daughter, even if it does end up in the guy agreeing and marrying her, it may come back at her and haunt her later on in the marriage, such as with the man telling her in a hurtful way “by the way, your parents threw you at me”, in a way it demeans a woman and make her feel less valuable than her peers, and in that cultural setting which presumes that women are precious and must therefor be protected and sought after, it creates a stain in her image and value.
Sensitivity to the context, being aware of the cultural norms and having the right personalities to initiate such an proposal (from woman to man) are all important factors before making such a move (i know of one girl who actually did profess her despair and love to this man she used to take Islamic classes with, she was in tears, he ended up marrying her and i think they’re living happily.. but i guess that’s cuz he had the personality that made him feel obligated to do the right thing).. she was pretty too, so he wouldn’t say yes unless he was already attracted but maybe shy of approaching her.
i also know of a girl who was suffering from low self esteem issues associated with her weight etc, she did the same thing and ended up with a horrible rejection.. i feel bad for her..
I think in many cultures where dating is allowed (or at least, a certain degree of acquaintance between genders is allowed), the girl often does play the role or nagging, inspiring or “luring” the man into marrying her, so that does count as non-passive, or acting positively (yet subtly) towards getting married.. so being sensitive to how the game should be played (and we people play games to save face sometimes) is very important. some people know how it’s played and for some its a trial and error thing.
Posted by desert maniac | November 15, 2012, 8:35 pmhmm interesting point desert maniac. But that’s the problem with the Islamic world today, culture is sabotaging Islam. So for me, context is still not that important when Islam has prescribed a solution or advised on a matter. It’s like Miss Direkshun said if it was good enough for Khadijah (RTA) then it’s good enough for us. Why should culture matter. The Islamic perspective should guide our actions and inform our decisions so long as it does not contradict what Allah has prescribed.
Posted by Zainab John | November 17, 2012, 12:43 pmthough i agree with the ideals you are talkin about, because i did use to think like think, i think my view now is more rooted in the reality i live in (which may not be the same reality you live in, having the privilege of living in UK for example)
though there are many aspects in it not to like, Culture is also the carrier of religions. most born muslims are born muslims because religion is deeply rooted in their culture. it is therefore their identity and the reason why they hold on to the religion too.
i guess what you and miss direkshun is applicable because you live in societies which are highly individualistic, thus making it possible for you to turn your back to the aspects you do not like in a culture and pick the aspects you like to practice. but in “collectivist” societies (for example, muslim/arab countries), to turn your back to culture is to suffer isolation and shunning. it could might as well social suicide.
i guess those are my two cents
Posted by desert maniac | November 17, 2012, 5:44 pmyes sis I understand where you’re coming from and your points are well noted and valued. Your comments is a reflection of the reality many face in our communities today. I do recognise that it can be challenging to break away from culture for many because of some of the reasons you stated and I know of several cases…
Posted by Zainab John | November 18, 2012, 12:29 amIf it was good enough for Khadijah ra then it is good enough for us.
Posted by Miss Direkshun | November 15, 2012, 10:28 pmI think is great and totally inside the islamic frame. As someone said, if it worked for Khadija.. there are many lessons about self confidence, empowerment and autonomy we have to learn from muslim women from the past. In my case, the only way I would get marry is if I am the one in proposing to the man. I don’t like the idea to be chosen, like in a supermarket. Nothing happen for being sincere about your intentions, is that what we ask from men in a relationship isn’t it? For men can be the same as difficult than for a woman, I think all humans are afraid to be hurted and rejected so is not fair to pretend we should always act “in safe” just because we’re women. We have to take things slowly and know enough the person first but the fact is you never know what future is bringing to you. If you don’t risk, you don’t win. What makes different first muslims from the other people was they were willing to know, willing to experience and learn and they took risk that led islamic civilization to flourish and expand. This can be applied to this; If a man rejects you, what? in life you will find many people who don’t share your views and also many people who will. You shouldn’t feel bad or not dignified for being sincere.
Posted by Nasreen Vr | January 8, 2013, 2:54 pmI did read it and I think that you are right, I am a Muslim women and I told someone who is a Muslim that I love him and I want to marry him and he rejected me.
He born as Christian and later on he converted to islam and became real submiter, I even tested him in a many ways but he doesn’t even think about it. He comes to my home and sleeps in the same room with me but he doesn’t think about anything else and he says that we are friend.
He says in islam if man don’t have enough money to support his family and give marriage gift to the woman who is gonna become his wife, it’s not right for them to marry.
And also he had a bad experience in the past which makes him to choose the single life.
But I really love him because he believes in God, he doesn’t drink alcohol or doesn’t use any drugs, that’s why I love him so much.
I was even smoking since 2000 and I gave up smoking because of him.
When he comes my home, I feel that I am more close to God, more close to my self.
Please pray for me I really want to be with him forever, for all my life.
Posted by S | February 18, 2013, 8:46 pm